i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
