I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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