I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
