Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
