well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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