My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
