god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
