After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
