1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
