Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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