I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize