Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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