nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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