My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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