just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
