the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
there is glitter all over my balls
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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