I could have mohawked her pubes.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
