**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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