tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just googled if crying burns calories
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
