I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
