I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize