sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize