I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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