New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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