I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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