I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
