What did we do last night that was yellow?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
