she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
