i need an iv and a liver transplant
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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