Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
