I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize