it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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