i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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