I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
