He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
