someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
