Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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