I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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