yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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