I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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