I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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