No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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