I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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