Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
