He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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