The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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