there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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