I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
