Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm like, not good at living.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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