Only a mothe r could love this liver
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
