theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
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