i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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