Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
