Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize