aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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