Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
