Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
