Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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