I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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