I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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