I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
