um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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